Five Times Kaito Interrupted School Assembly
by Katty008
Summary: And One Time He Didn't, as recorded by Hakuba Saguru. It involves fireworks in trombones, exploding dodgeballs, and principals jailed for attempted first-degree murder. And mops. You can't forget the mops.


**Disclaimer: Magic Kaito, I own not.  
A/N: This was inspired entirely by being bored during a school assembly and imagining Kaito Kid interrupting the dance team. It expanded from there.**

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**Five Times Kuroba Kaito Interrupted School Assembly (And One Time He Didn't) As Recorded By Hakuba Saguru**

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**1:**

Hakuba watched with feigned interest as the school dance team did their routine on the gym floor. He started when Aoko nudged him. "They're pretty good, aren't they?" He nodded back absentmindedly. Where was Kuroba?

Oh. There he was.

As he watched, one particular member of the dance team deviated more and more from what the others were doing, weaving in and out of their moves. A few of the dancers exchanged confused looks but most pretended like it was normal and went on with the routine. It wasn't until the rogue dancer resembled less of a dancer and more of a demonic bouncing worm that anyone objected.

"STOP!" the dance team coach shouted, unable to hold it in any longer. She stormed up to the stopped dancers and started shouting at the one still moving. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? THIS IS NOT THE ROUTINE! YOU'RE MESSING EVERYONE ELSE UP!"

Hakuba had to mentally point out that if anything, Kuroba had made it more interesting. All of the real dancers had for the most part ignored him.

Instead of replying to the dance coach's attack, Kuroba zipped over to the huge speakers. The gym lights went out, a disco ball popped out of the ceiling, and the song abruptly stopped, to be replaced by a different one.

_"EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!"_

Kuroba promptly proceeded to own the Ekoda High Dance Team at their own game.

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**2:**

The president of the student council was talking about some sort of competition currently, Hakuba didn't really care. The president stopped talking and the pep band started up, filling the gym with noise (not music). The musicians were particularly bad today, the brass instruments almost sounding as if the air was having a hard time going through the many small tubes. Did a certain trickster have anything to do this? Where was Kuroba anyway?

The lights suddenly went out, and Hakuba got a disturbing premonition of where Kuroba probably was.

The bandstand suddenly erupted into a colorful fiery mess amidst screams from some of the more timid members of the pep band. Hakuba realized that, among other combinations of fireworks and instruments, there was a Roman Candle shoved down the tuba and firecrackers were going off inside the drums. Oh, and bottle rockets were coming out of holes in the ceiling tiles.

Hakuba promptly figured out who was behind the spontaneous fireworks, though no one else ever did.

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**3:**

It was Homecoming week, joy of joys, and Hakuba found himself wondering how the bloody hell Aoko had talked him in to this one. Maneuvering his cardboard-and-construction-paper-clad body to the correct part of the gym, he realized that he didn't actually remember saying yes. He vowed from thenceforth to keep a closer eye on Akako. He grinned however when he remembered that he wasn't the only victim. And while he was a lowly tree, _whoever_ was pulling the strings here had envisioned something better for Kuroba, namely the role of the prince.

Hakuba bit his tongue and practiced the fine art of boredom as the play started. Evil witch, blah blah blah, seven dwarves, blah blah blah, evil witch again, blah blah blah, prince. Prince? Kuroba, Kuroba, where art thou Kuroba?

Oh. There he was.

But _what_ was he _wearing? _It was not the costume he was supposed to be wearing. It was a suit. It was white. It involved a cape. It involved a top hat. Really, the only thing it didn't involve was the monocle.

"What strange clothes you have," the girl playing the princess, having just been revived, said.

"I come from a far-off land where these clothes are the norm, sweet lady."

_Bullshit. Now what did you do with the clothes you're _supposed_ to be wearing?_ "You are going down," he whispered just loud enough for the intended recipient to hear.

Kuroba put a hand to his ear. "What's this? Methinks the tree is whispering to me. It says it does not approve of my strange dress. Oh well. Perhaps the tree would prefer me nude."

Kuroba promptly proceeded to strip in front of the entire student body, and Hakuba wondered how all of the other trees had managed to become 'sick' today.

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**4:**

If there had been a handy wall, Hakuba's head would have been meeting it. Repeatedly. Dodgeball tournaments were all well and good, but not when Hakuba was being forced to watch them. And when the competitors had particularly bad aim.

The seventh out-of-bounds ball bounced into the stands, narrowly missing Hakuba's head. Instead it went between the legs of Kuroba, who was sitting above him. In fact, Hakuba had made sure that he knew where Kuroba was this time. He did not need a repeat of "Naked Kuroba and the Seven Faculty Members." No. Not at all. Just… no. Especially as it had taken quite some work on his part to get out of the accusation of instigator. At least Kuroba had gotten a detention out of it. Kuroba reached underneath and pulled the ball back out. Hakuba frowned at said ball. Had it just… quivered?

At any rate, Kuroba tossed the wayward ball back on to the floor, where it was picked up by an opposing team member. Opposing, that is, if you were supporting Team Nakamori, which Kuroba probably was. Though Hakuba didn't actually know, as the other team was composed of the best the Kaito Kid Fan Club had to offer. The student lobbed the ball directly at the captain of Team Nakamori, Nakamori Aoko herself.

Dodgeballs were not supposed to go splat. Hakuba knew that for a fact.

Aoko swung hard at the ball with her mop (though why a foul hadn't been called on that yet Hakuba didn't know), which then exploded, dousing the girl in a gooey red substance. She licked her finger, savoring the taste. After a few tense minutes of complete silence, something else exploded. "Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: KUROBA KAITO!"

The resulting mop-chase was, sadly, quite normal. Normal enough that the rest of the dodgeball players completely ignored them, instead going on with the game. Which was their downfall. No one noticed Kuroba skillfully replacing dodgeballs as he bounced around the gym. Until one of his replacement balls was used, by someone with particularly bad aim. That was when the principal of Ekoda High went splat.

Kuroba promptly proceeded to get suspended as the gym around him descended into raspberry jam-induced chaos.

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**5:**

Ah. There was nothing like peace. Peace during a school assembly. But where was Kuroba? Ah yes, that was right. He was still suspended. And yet, Hakuba was still worried. He would never be happy until Kuroba was firmly in his sight, with no tricks up his sleeves. Or pants, or socks, or shirts, or pockets, etcetera. And right now, Kuroba was not firmly in his sight, supposedly at home. Supposedly… Hakuba was expecting him to make an appearance any moment now.

An unfamiliar figure ran to the center of the gym floor. Strange. While looking strangely familiar, Hakuba did not recognize the person as a student at Ekoda High. The strange person grabbed the mike from the hands of the president of the student council.

"My name is Kudo Shinichi and I love Mouri Ran!" he shouted into the mike.

That… that was Kuroba, wasn't it?

Kuroba promptly fled the gym, the principal charging after him with her arms reaching for his neck.

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**And One Time He Didn't:**

Hakuba sighed in pure bliss. Sweet, sweet release from demons. Demons by the name of Kuroba Kaito, who was still suspended. The principal had been institutionalized as insane, but it was a small price to pay. Although Kuroba was probably using his spare time to come up with embarrassing tricks for heists, which promptly brought Hakuba's good mood crashing down.

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**Yay for Spaceballs references! After writing this I realized that the relationship that I've given between the principal and Kaito is much like that of Dreyfus and Clouseau. One is driven insane by the other and then tries to kill him.**


End file.
